stretch and breathe…

it’s been almost three weeks into the actual job. so many things are taking place at such a rapid speed… so much so that every night as i lie on my bed, i feel as if i’m involved in a catching game with sleep… i need to catch up… i need to catch up….

recently, whenever i’m informed of a new duty or responsibility, my heart feels like an inflated balloon.. a balloon being pumped till the verge of bursting… sometimes i wonder if my heart will fail me soon… because i find it hard to breath… it feels as if i am an odd job laborer in charge of carrying rice sacks… as i stood at the end of the lorry, people just keep piling sacks after sacks of rice on my shoulders.. my knees are giving way… my heart is pumping at its max… yet i cant surrender… i cant rely on others… i know i have to depend on myself.

probably due to lack of rest and stress, my memory is getting from bad to worse.. and i feel really disgusted with myself.

a conversation last night…

“i’m living a day by a day.”

“you should have a goal in life and you’ll be more motivated and happier. Do you have a goal?”

“nope.”

“your goal will be to get married lor.”

“HAHA. that makes me sound pathetic.”

no matter how domesticated i can be or wanna be, getting married will not be my goal in life.

My goal now is to know what i want out of life.

He makes everything possible

happened to check my blog stats and i realized that despite not updating this blog regularly, there are still a number of friends who still check out this space. *waves*

life couldn’t get any better for me now, since practicum is officially over. =) although we have to go through several weeks of nonsensical and illogical courses/seminars, at least we can give our brains a good rest.

i’m flying off in a few hours’ time to hk. yes, again! wanton mee, mango pomelo, shoes, bags… here i come!

will be back again on monday, and hopefully it will be followed by a restful week. heh.

ben n i have been looking around for venues, photographers and bridal shops… some things are more or less confirmed… i’m glad that in the midst of all these decision making, we have been patient with each other, and that he is the one who volunteers to do all the liaising with the parties involved. how many fiance do that??? *beams* having similar likes and dislikes also smooths the process of planning and decision.

other than facing frustrations and disappointment at times when we have to adapt parts of our plan according to our limited budget, the process of wedding preparation has been an eye opener and a blissful experience indeed.

with each passing day, my choice is affirmed.

and i know all these are impossible without Him. =)

biting the bullet

All sunshine and no rain makes a desert.

No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb. 12:11)

sometimes, especially in the recent times, i feel so much pain, sorrow and disappointment when it comes to work and dealings with people around me.

i ask myself: why is it that i work so so so hard and yet fail to reap what i think i deserve?

comparing my results with my peers seems to make myself feel a thousand times worse.

this is my revelation of the day – this is His way of discipline. I will emerge as precious crop which will harvest and feed many more.

i will bite the bullet and go on trying.

everyday is a dreadful day…

i am pondering over whether i’ve made the right career choice, but at the same time, i’m also wondering if there is any room for regrets.

everyday is a dreadful day – from the part of waking up, to lesson preparation, lesson observations, right up to staying up late every single night, rushing lesson plans and doing up ppt slides. From day one of practicum, i have not slept more than 4 hours every day.

everyday is a dreadful day – if not for the fact that meeting him is my sole motivation. to see him wait at the porch the moment i sign out is the only moment my heart gets lifted and i feel much lighter.

our daily conversations have degraded to discussions on lesson plans, materials to use and other classroom matters. i am definitely glad that i’ve someone who can share and empathize with what i am going through. if not for him, i wonder if i’d survive till today.

both of us were on mc today, as our health finally give way, probably due to irregular meals, stress and lack of sleep. made a point to just rest the first half of the day, but i couldnt sleep well cos half of my mind was on work – i have to finish 3 lesson plans by tonight, together with ppt slides and other materials. to make things worse, i have 2 classes tomorrow.

spent our day resting and browsing through bridal magazines brought us back to the times we were still in ni*e. looking back, i realized we have been rather slack as compared to now. how i wish time could just pass by, and we will be back to that smelly place. even if it’s smelly, with yucky food, i’d rather put up with the lessons there than to be teaching right now. at least, i would have him by my side no matter how bad things were. er tong, smelly sim, wait for me!

had a chat w him before he sent me home tonight. he mentioned the days back in school, on how we started out. it seems like donkey years ago… and i felt like i’ve known him for a lifetime.

it’s crazy i know, but i still tear sometimes when we have to part. that silly boy was loitering around my block, refusing to go home, although we have tons of work to be completed by tonight.

reflecting upon myself in this relationship, i realized that i’ve grown so much in terms of my personality and mentality – i clearly knows who and what i want in my life, and i am willing to face criticisms and stand up for my choice. i have close friends who think that my decision to marry him is too rash, and that i should observe him for a longer period of time. what i can say is – i will not regret this decision of mine, and i know that i will be the most blessed woman i’ve ever thought i’d be on the day we walk down the aisle.

he mentioned that things are ever changing in this world- people come and go, and we face changes every day. we’ve made a pact to be the only constant in each other’s life, from this moment on.

i hate sundays

i detest mondays

and i dislike tuesdays too because they feel about as bad as mondays.

wednesdays bring a small sigh of relief

because it means im halfway through the week.

thursdays suck cos its so near yet so far,

fridays are hopeful days of anticipation

and oh how i lovelovelove my saturdays.

saturdays are always perfect.

they’re lazy &, languid & full of possibilities.
like the saturdays i had the past few weeks.
one of the most perfect of perfect saturdays i’ve had
in a very long time.

i’m not sure when the next one will come along,
but i do not doubt that it will come again.

sadly, tonight is a sunday.
& i don’t quite like sundays very much at all.
because the next day is monday.

enough is enough

I know that there are quite a number of concerned friends of mine, who may think that my decision to the engagement is made without serious consideration. although not many of them have access to this blog of mine, just want to assure everyone that i’m feeling genuinely happy and blessed to be with this fiance of mine. he is the most loving man one could ever be with. if anyone of you cares to know him on a deeper level, you will know what i mean.
i have faith in my relationship with him. Never in my life would i imagine myself to be blogging publicly about my love for someone. however, speculations of our engagement are getting out of hand and i am taking the step to speak up for him.

true friends will be those who believe in my ability to make accurate judgments and decisions. true friends will be those who are happy to know about this union, who even shed happy tears for me, knowing that i have found the right one after meeting so many wrong guys in my life. true friends are those who will come up to me and congratulate me, instead of gossiping behind my back.

my true friends, i know who you are. =)